I have been away for too long

It has be a long time...

I have moved and in the process of moving I have crashed my computer. Just before I moved I had watered a plant that sat right above my computer and well it over flowed and fried everything. I have not been able to afford to buy a new computer so needless to say I have not been keeping up with blog land and I closed my etsy store until sometime next year.

I have been kind of bummed about not being able to keep up with what is going on in craft land, but I do plan on making a come back next year and I am excited about that.

Growing Wiser

Every year around this time I get this funny feeling that I need to make my life better by going on a new diet, or picking up a new hobby. I make myself feel down about all the things that I wanted to do over the past year and swear to make this next year 'the year'. It is a strange thing I started doing when I had moved out onto my own when I was 19 years old. I was living 4 hours away from home and it was my birthday, I was sad because it was my first birthday not having any family near by and the awful truth of becoming an adult was setting in... having to work on your birthday!

So, in just a few short weeks I am turning 30 and yes I am contemplating new diet ideas, and what I can do to make my life feel more luxurious and worth while. My job is starting to turn into something I kind of like to do despite the horrid hours and I have weekends off!!! It only took me 10 years to get weekends off and I just don't want to get too excited because I am afraid that it could only be temporary. The hours are horrid because I am working at 2 am two days a week and then a double shift on Tuesdays and then Thursday and Friday I get to work at 4 am. I am exhausted by the time I am off work to do anything and enjoy the rest of the day. I am sure I will get used to the hours soon and I will be able to function like a normal person within a few weeks.

I am sad that I am turning 30, but at the same time I am so ready to move on and become a better wiser adult. For some reason I find myself starting to care more and more about political issues, spirituality, starting a family, how am I going to take care of my parents when they are older... Getting older is just getting weird because when you are younger you just never think that you are going to be old and when it comes it can be a little shocking.

I want to age with grace, I want to prove that I have learned from my mistakes I made in my 20's, I want to have a family and give them what I did not have... and no I do not mean more toys, just good honest advice when they ask for it and maybe some when they don't ask, I want to be healthy and not depend on drugs to keep me and my body functions working. I want a home, a family, security, peace of mind knowing that things will be okay.

Pleasantly Surprised

I am very pleased.

Today I sold some tags in my Etsy store. I have not made anything new in months and had all but gave up on the shop until after James and I got our own house with space for me and all my treasures. I have not been actively trying to promote myself or buying new supplies in the last 4 months I would say, so selling something out of no where is a delightful surprise.

I feel inspired and I want to start making more goodies, but I think that I honestly need to save my money for us moving and wedding plans.... ahh, life happens when your making plans they say.

A modern Homestead

This summer has been just flying by. I have been busy with work and all of the normal summer activities and have not had much time for blogging or trying to create new craft projects for the fall and Christmas season. James and I have been busy planning our trip we are taking this Winter to Wyoming. We will be in Wyoming for Christmas and New Years, two weeks to be exact. We are excited about visiting with James family.

The wedding plan so far is interesting and no where near traditional by any means. We are planning on eloping and then taking an amazing road trip to Tahoe and to Yosemite. James and I are nature lovers and a normal wedding just isn't in our pocket book at this time. I am sad that we are not going to have a regular wedding, but that's okay... Life doesn't always work out the way you thought it would.

But enough of that serious stuff...

Wild blackberries are coming in season now. This morning we picked a small bucket full for snacking on. Soon I will be canning up some blackberry jam for this winter and freezing more for pies. Yummy! James and I have also been talking about our plans for the future. Someday our goal is to have a small organic farm/ animal rescue. I have started to research possible homestead sites, and seed/plant suppliers to get us started.

I love the idea of country living and the way things "used" to be before WWI and WWII, then the Victory gardens that followed, ice cream socials, huge family picnics, old fashion fun. I think that I am so interested in the old fashioned way of life because now a days it just seems like everyone gives up on things way to easy such as marriage, family, work, chores, communication, community, and spiritual guidance. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO?!!

I don't know what things are coming too, but I would like to give it my best at trying to preserve a way of life that I think is almost lost. Preserve things and teach the next generation that it is OK and cool to be green, to care for the earth and the environment, to care for your neighbor as you would your family, to care for the animals because they have every right to share the planet with us....

More planning

I have not been in blog land in a long time. James and I have been busy trying to figure out what we are doing with our lives and how to get to where we want to be. We had been talking about having our wedding at Lake Tahoe.

Lake Tahoe is still a possibility, but what we both want more then anything is a home of our own to start our new life together. Lake Tahoe will always be there, right? If we bought a house we would most likely just have a civil ceremony and then a big party at our own property.

Yesterday I was messing around looking at local real estate online and I came across an amazing piece of property. 40 acres, water rights, large log cabin, 3 stall horse barn, hay barn that can hold 4000 bales, garage/shop, paved driveway, fenced property in the country... OH it is like way to good to be true!! The only thing I am unsure of is if we could afford to buy the property. My fingers are crossed and so are my toes.

broken

Yesterday was quite a day.

James and I had found the perfect place to get married in the mountains surrounding Shasta California. I even made arrangements to meet with the venue people next month. I found out what kind of payment arrangements they had, set up a potential date for the wedding next year everything was starting to feel like I was making progress with wedding arrangements.

A week ago my dad said that he would put up some money for James and I to get married. Yesterday I was telling my dad about this place in Shasta, telling him how much it would cost etc. Suddenly my dad has no memory of saying he would put up any money for a wedding, he said that he was hoping we would break up and he wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. He had a fit about why should he have to pay for everything, why should he have to pay for my moms side of the family, he told me that I don't have any family who would even travel to come to my wedding. He also said that he didn't want to have to socialize with my moms side of the family. (my parents are divorced) My heart has been broken, how can a father say that to his only daughter? Then after saying those hurtful things and going into other issues in the past he said he would then pay. Well, he just really wants to hold it over our heads and the fact that we do not have a lot of money.

So, I have washed my hands I am done with my dad and his games. I am not sure, but I think he thinks that my life is a joke and no one really cares. I am not sure at this point what we are going to do with a wedding, but I do not want a dime from my dad. I will not give him any satisfaction of needing anything from him.

I am just so hurt that my dad just doesn't want anything to do with my future. It also hurts me because I think that he has hurt James feelings with this also, I mean it is his wedding too. My dad and even an aunt of mine are acting like this wedding is only for my dads side of the family, no consideration of James family what so ever. And with that his parents said they would help with some wedding preparations. James and I were even starting to save money to add to the cause.. All that we needed was the money to hold the date and the venue for us. Oh well I guess?

I don't understand

Top 10 things I do not understand in life at this moment

1. My Father
2. Does my dad want me to be happy at all?
3. Does my dad get some sort of sick enjoyment of having money, but will not spend a dime on his only daughters wedding?
4. Does my dad even want a relationship with me?
5. Should I even invite him to the wedding ceremony... where ever and when ever that may be?
6. My wedding with James isn't about him being forced to socialize with my moms side of the family so why is he trippin'?
7. I have learned a lot of lessons in a short amount of time, but I do not think he has learned any... he already knows everything
8. Does he really hope that we split up?
9. Why is he so generous to his girlfriends family but not his own?
10. Why do I even bother trying to keep communication open between the two of us?